September issue of RDA just dropped off at my doorstep, and its main feature this month is 30 of The World's Funniest Jokes (Sorry, Malaysia not included). I've found some entries that are really damn hilarious, so here are my favourite picks. You can view the full list at www.rdasia.com and perhaps vote for your favourite joke (which may not be here, depending on individual sense of humour). But dont do it just yet, the website hasnt updated itself yet, you can check it starting September.
An elderly couple goes to Burger King, where they split a burger and fries. A trucker takes pity on them and offers to buy the wife a meal.
"Its alright. We share everything." the husband says.
A few minutes later, the trucker notices the wife hasnt taken a bite.
"I really wont mind buying your wife her own meal."
"She'll eat. We share everything." the husband assures him.
Unconvinced, the trucker asks the wife, "Why arent you eating?"
The wife snaps, "I'm waiting for the teeth!"
President of France Sarkozy visits a steel factory. To the boss's surprise, the president greets an employee, Morton, with a warm hug. The same thing happens when Obama and Vladimir Putin (Prime Minister of Russia) visits the factory. Unimpressed, the boss says to Morton, "I bet you dont know the Pope."
Morton shrugs, " We play golf together."
The boss pays their way to the Vatican in time for the Benediction. Morton slips away, and sure enough, returns side by side with the Pope.
Two Chinese tourists tap the boss on the shoulder and ask, "Who's the guy in white standing with Morton?"
Doctor: Have you taken my advice to sleep with the window open?
Doctor: So has your asthma disappeared completely?
Patient: No, but my watch, TV, iPod, and laptop have.
India ( especially for those who dont understand Mandarin)-
A business executive visits his dear Chinese friend in the hospital.
"Li kai yang qi guan" says the sick man. The exec desperately wants to help, but he doesnt speak Mandarin.
"Li kai yang qi guan!" says the patient as he draws his last breath. Later that year, the exec is in Shanghai on a business trip when he finally learns that Li kai yang qi guan actually means "Get off my oxygen tube"
A fortune teller advised me, "Do everything your boss says."
Sage advice, I thought, as I was working on an important project. As if I needed more proof of just how good the psychic was, that night I read the newspaper, and I noted in my horoscope:
Do everything your boss says.
A starlet sits next to a lawyer on a long flight. She craves sleep, but he keeps waking her up.
"Lets play a trivia game," he suggests. "If I answer wrongly, I'll pay you $50. If you answer wrongly, you owe me $5." The starlet agrees, and the lawyer goes first.
"Whats the distance between earth and the moon?" The starlet hands him $5. Now's her turn.
"What goes up a mountain on 3 legs but comes down on four?"
He's dumbfounded. He scans the internet, his pocket encyclopedia and asks every scientist he can find. No luck. Hours later, he wakes her up, hands her the $50, and asks, "So whats the answer?"
Without a word, she gives him $5 and goes back to sleep.
Joe, Mike, Mary and Tom were discussing their dream jobs.
Joe: I want to be a lawyer, so that I can defend my countrymen.
Mike: I want to be a congressman, so I can draft laws to benefit my countrymen.
Mary: I want to be a doctor,, so I can cure all my countrymen.
Joe: What about you, Tom? What would you like to be?
Tom: I'd like to be a countryman.
Nearing the end, Stainslaw is surrounded by loved ones. As the final moment approaches, he gathers all his strength and whispers:
I must tell you a secret. Before I got married, I had it all. fast cars, cute girls, and plenty of money. But a good friend warned me,'Get married and start a family, otherwise, no-one will be there to give you a glass of water to drink when you are on your deathbed.' So I took his advice, I traded the girls for a wife, beer for baby food and sold my Ferrari and invested in a college fund. And now here we are. And you know what?
"What?" everyone else asks.
"I'm not even thirsty!"
Vlad gets pulled over after a high speed car chase. "Im going to help you out. Give me a good excuse and I wont write you a ticket." says the officer.
"Three weeks ago my wife left me for a cop," Vlad explains. "So when I saw your car coming I thought you were trying to return her back.
Due to the recession, to save on energy costs, the light at the end of the tunnel will be turned off. - God
Papa Turtle is telling his son a bed time story.
"Once upon a time there was a white bunny."
"Aw c'mon Dad, that's kid stuff. What about some science fiction?" the little turtle says.
"All right. Once upon a time, there was a bunny in outer space..."
"Dad! Make it more grown-up."
"OK, OK. Promise me you wont tell Mum."
"Once upon a time, there was a naked bunny...."