May 16, 2009

Why Twilight sucks

Ok, so I know this is a little long, but if you hate twilight with the same passion, you will find this to yours tastes.

Admittedly, writing a review of a book published 3 years ago makes me a little late. However, seeing as how the book has risen to such popularity that it has encouraged Hollywood to pump out a movie based on the novel, I feel slightly more justified.

The Bad: What I really want to convey to my esteemed audience is how awful, on every level, Twilight by Stephanie Meyer is.

So, I’m sure many people are recoiling after that statement. I can already hear the cries of “Well, if it’s so bad, why is it so popular (or “why are they making a movie”)”? I think the real answer lies in the insecure, lonely girls that make up a large part of the demographic supporting this novel. When reading the book, the female population of fans unconsciously place themselves in Bella’s shoes and, at least while they read the book, can feel that they are loved as much as Bella apparently is.

Grammar and usage errors aside, the story and overall writing is atrocious. Here’s a quick summary: Some banal shenanigans make it impossible for Bella Swan, the female antagonist from whose point of view the story is told, to live with her mother. She goes to live with her father in Forks. To make a long story short, her life is saved by Edward Cullen, she finds out he is a vampire and… Boom! They're in love. Madly, deeply in love. It just happens. All within the first few chapters. The rest of the book? Lots of smiling, glaring and boring Q & A sessions ensue, revealing all answers to any questions Bella or the reader may have. No suspense and no build-up at all. Bella apparently poses a threat to the entire non-evil vampiric subculture, so of course Edward asks her to go steady with him. But not until they've spent many, many, many chapters engaged in tedious 'banter' that is possibly intended to remind the reader of Pride and Prejudice ( or rather a fanfic loosely based on a bad film adaptation of Pride and Prejudice). The conversations are dully predictable. Example: Edward: "You are beautifuller than whole lots of things." Bella blushes a deep red colored color. Edward chuckles at the blushing, because, for some reason, he finds it amusing and attractive. Bella than snaps a 'witty' retort at said chuckling, conversation follows. You'll find several points in the book like this one. Then they hook up, and Edward glitters in the sun a bit like a fairy. Only within the last pages of the book do you get an exciting (which is up to interpretation) story that includes an antagonist for approximately 50 pages. The first 400-some pages were as bland as bland can be.

But my main issue is the supposed love between Bella and Edward, the two antagonists of the story. What is Bella and Edward's love (if you can call it that) based on? They have NOTHING in common. On Bella’s part, it's all based on looks, or magic, rather than character. Bella goes on and on about nothing but Edward’s looks and how “dazzling” he is. All the over-designing of Edward's appearance ended up feeling like was the author relishing in her own personal fantasy. Bella is too dependent on him and it's an unhealthy, disturbing addiction. (Stalking is illegal in all 50 states, Bella.).What is Bella to do, say when college becomes necessary? Judging by the hyper spasm she had at the end of Twilight, she couldn't possibly be separated from Edward for more than seven hours, tops. She has no sense of self. Her entire future has been put in the bin due to Edward.

As for the other side of this “love”, Edward only took interest in her since he couldn't read her thoughts. (Trust me, Eddie, I'm looking right at 'em, and there isn’t anything up there worth wondering about.) It's like a paranoid obsession. And Edward, as is the ailment of most beings that are considered more impressive than humans, is vain and finds humans petty and dull. Thanks a lot. But Edward loves Bella. I mean, he lusts after her. I mean, he wants to suck her blood. I mean, sniff her creepily. His love would be more convincing if Bella was more appealing in a unique manner. The author attempts to make her endearing by being shy and clumsy (a cheap appeal to the insecurity that lies in most women), but she fails. Bella instantly makes friends, eliminating the self-ascribed shyness and the constant clumsiness seems to be more like some sort of neurological problem.

There are apparently sequels, but unless they involve Bella Swan and the entire town of Forks being obliterated in a nuclear devastation, I don't intend to read them.

*Disclaimer* - This isnt MY actual review of the book, but since this one was so perfectly written, I had to put it up here.

For me, I hate Twatlight for 3 simple reasons- It's fake, it's unreal, its DISGUSTING ROMANCE-FANTASY!!!!

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